Confessions of a Misfit’s Resolution

If you are wondering what the title of this means then listen up.  Things are about to seriously get real.  AS you can tell from my blog, I have been away for a bit in 2014. Not necessarily by choice either.  I have been fighting my own serious battle lately and it has cost me in more ways than anyone knows.  Some say that people who have been going and have gone through what I am should just suck it up but it is not that easy.  It isn’t one of those things that you can snap your fingers and it disappears. It is much worse than any other person can imagine. It’s hell on earth.

Now that I have your attention, it is time to get to the bottom of this once and for all. These past months have been so hard on me because I am one of those people who care for everyone.  I care about how they feel; I care about being the rock that they need when the world is crumbling around them. Most of all, I care about what others think and say about me.  I have gotten bashed and made fun of quite a bit lately and it took a huge toll on me. I can’t even describe how many times I have been called fat, ugly, worthless, and made fun of these past few months.  For someone like me, that is equivalent to throwing stones. Still to this day I get mean comments about how I take things too seriously and how I think everything bad that is said is directed towards me.  For example, if something is not done right at work, I beat myself up over it because I feel I should have checked it and fixed it. Or if an area didn’t get cleaned I feel that I must be a lazy fool for not getting it done.  I feel no matter what I do, I can’t seem to do anything right.

When it comes to my fitness journey, it is much worse. Have you ever seen that show on TLC called my 600 lbs. life? I know realistically that is not true but in my head, it is. When I look into the mirror all I see is this gross 650 pound woman staring back at me.  I know it isn’t true because I only weigh 230 but it is what I feel like I weigh. I work so hard and don’t lose anything. Others have the weight pouring off of them while I am sitting here feeling like I am a beached whale.  When I look in the mirror, I can only see the ugly in myself.  I see every imperfection I have. I see everything from my thinning hair, to my ugly teeth to my huge body.  It seems that no matter how hard I try to fix these issues, it doesn’t help.

It hasn’t always been this bad. The beginning of this year started off fairly well. I started working with a trainer and the fat started falling off. Until, I got to where between the training and home, I couldn’t afford to eat like I was supposed to.  That’s when things turned for the worst. The trainer I was working with started getting mad at me for not eating. Would actually talk bad about me to other trainers and people I worked with about how horrible I was for not eating.  Even when I tried to explain what was going on, all I heard was you need to eat and people say they can’t afford to be healthy yet can afford to eat unhealthy. This is your health. If you don’t invest in it you will never reach where you want to be.  This is where I started the journey off the cliff.  It got to the point where I had to choose between eating and feeding my family or training. I love my children more than life so of course training had to go. So I started working with another trainer that I could afford better and things started to look up a little. Was still having issues eating and feeding my kids but it was a little bit better. She started helping me by bringing me food and being there for me when I needed it.  UNTILL, I made the mistake of eating a slice of cheesecake that was brought up to the gym by a longtime friend of mine.  That’s when the little ledge I was balancing on broke.  I let my trainer down. I then found myself being talked bad about by others and such to the point I just wanted to end it. I was completely alone with no one to talk too and no one who cared.  I gave up on myself.  

I found myself throwing up everything I ate because I felt like if I ate I was just going to get fatter and uglier. That if I ate that one piece of chicken breast I was going to gain 20 pounds. Realistically I know it wouldn’t happen but at that point, I hated myself more than the nasty words I was hearing about me from others.  I started doing 2 hours of cardio a day along with over an hour of weight training 5 times a week and then on the weekend jogging around the neighborhood for 45 minutes.  All because I felt if I didn’t then I would get fat again.  I would literally get edgy and if I didn’t go workout of some sort after eating or drinking anything.  Little did I know I was causing more damage to myself mentally and physically.  I started gaining weight again, losing a big chunk of my hair, to being down all the time and no longer me.  I started taking on as many extra shifts at work to distract me from what was really going on in my head and life.  I have spent a lot of time away from my kids who I love more than life itself. All because I felt that if I worked hard I could get out of the rut I had found myself in and could finally be happy.  The extra money does help a lot. I can finally afford to get my kids new shoes and they don’t have to worry about being made fun of at school because their clothes have holes in them and that has made me feel at least a little bit better.  Even though I spend over 12 hours at work a day, I felt like I was doing what I needed to.  It didn’t make me feel that much better about myself however.  For years I have been told how ugly and worthless I am and it got to the point that I believed it.  With me working so much made me feel like for once I was worth more than I was being told I was.

I have since found myself looking back over the past year and saw how bad I have gotten. How much of a misfit I have become.  I have cared way too much about others and not much about myself.  I have recognized how much I hate myself and how far from my goals I have fallen.  I want to change that.  I want to be able to look into the mirror and say “Good morning Beautiful. It’s a new day and a new beginning.”  I want to be able to look at myself and not see this ugly person looking back at me.  I don’t want to hear that little voice in my head saying “you will always be an ugly fat ass” and “just give up because no one cares about nobodies like you.”  Depression and eating disorders are very much real. They can hit the best of us at any time and at any level.  No one is immune from the damage it causes.  Some get hit harder than others.  I got hit so hard that it cost both my physical and mental health to turn into something it never should have been anywhere near in the first place. 

I have learned that above all, I can’t love anyone until I truly love myself.  I can’t be the mother my kids deserve until I can love myself and be confident in myself.  So below I am going to write my 2015 resolutions to becoming a better me.  It is not going to be as simple as it has been before. Most are going to take a ton of hard work and dedication but he high will be worth the pain. ……. Yes I did just quote Taylor Swift lol. I am not writing this to make you feel bad about me or to pull on any heart strings. I am writing this to inform you all on this very serious problem that can hit even the best.  If you ever find yourself getting to the point I have found myself in, please seek help before it gets too bad.  Staying active does help tremendously but it doesn’t help once you get as bad as I did.  I you are like me and don’t have a huge support system; I am always here for you. All you have to do is message me.