Hit hard where it hurts

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Today I found out the hard way the effects of working out on someone who suffers from severe depression.  When a person who is depressed, works out, they become in a happier mood. Less depressive moments and they seem to be more happier. Well, as I have explained in the about me section of my blog, and in a few other posts, I do suffer from depression, PTSD, and a few other problems. Well today was my rest day. Normally, I take a half day rest day and seem to be ok. Not today. Today I thought to try a full day rest day. It turned into a depression NIGHTMARE!

It was a rainy day so we were all inside. One moment I am all good then I got very anxious and couldn't sit still. Then it hit me, and hit me hard. The next thing I know, I was being pulled up to my feet by my husband as I sat their on my knees crying due to the fact that I felt like a horrible mother. My children would NOT listen to me for the life of me and then my youngest daughter came to me upset and crying cause she was talking to her sister about something that happened at school and her sister told her to come tell me. Well, these kids have been bullying her at school. Pushing her, pulling her hair, and calling her names. Then when she starts crying, they start talking bad about me and the rest of her family. This I didn't know at all. I knew of a few times I got her from school to witness kids pushing her in the back as they walked out. I confronted the teacher and the principal about it as soon as I saw it.

It is so bad, she found a pair of scissors in the bathroom of her school, and she hid them in her pocket. Then, when she got to class, she put them in her jacket and then in her backpack. Knowing I would check her backpack itself when she got home. As soon as she got home, she removed her coat and handed me her back pack. I didn't think anything of it till today. When she came to me crying, her sister had stopped her before she did anymore that she did, but she had cut her hair. Just a little in the front and about an inch from a section of the back.

She thought if she cut her hair off, they would think she was pretty again and stop talking bad to her. How could I have missed this was going on? How could I have not stepped in sooner and tried to protect my 6 yr old from this? She is very VERY beautiful. She is also very very sweet and loving and all the adults who meet her agree. Why are kids so cruel to such a beautiful soul? I mean her hair is read with dark red low lights and blonde high lights. She has the hair people pay to get. Oh, and the most beautiful blue eyes. Wow, they will take your breath away. She has the same color I have but she sports them much better than I could ever dream of.

I mean look at her! All my kids are beautiful, but look at her. You can just look at her and see how beautiful she is and how great of a heart she has. So why would they do this to her. I couldn't take it, I wrapped my arms around her and held her crying with her telling her how beautiful she is and always will be. We must have been their for 30 min before she stopped and went to play. I on the other hand, broke. It was the straw that broke the camel's back so to say. I couldn't stop crying. It was like everything hit me and was breaking me to the point of me having no strength to fight back.

My all time biggest fear is losing my children. They are what keep me going daily. Without them, I would have no reason to wake up. The thought of one of them being so badly hurt to the point, she wanted to do that at such a young age, made me feel I was losing my baby girl. It felt that if she is feeling this bad now, what would happen in middle school and high school? I remember the Hell high school was. I remember all of the bad names and getting bullied to the point I had to go to the hospital just because this girl needed someone to take her anger out on and I was just in the way. She bashed my head into the lockers 12 times and if it wasn't for me getting away and going and sitting outside the coaches office till he came out and saw my ears were bleeding and called the ambulance, she wouldn't have stopped.

I don't want that happening to my kids. Monday, I will be going to the School and demanding results and actions being taken. If not, I will do whatever I have too to save up the money to get all of them into a private school. I have priced them and they are like 18k-25k for the ones locally for them all to go to one next yr. If ANYONE has any info on grants and such I can apply for to get them into a private school, PLEASE PLEASE, let me know. I won't have my daughter bullied and the school not do anything about it. The first time it happened I did nothing in hopes the teacher would take care of it. The second time, I stood up and brought it to their attention. Now, I am one mad momma!

The point is, with how much I have been working out this week, I doubt it would have hit me as hard as it did. For 3 weeks of no real depressive feelings and the one day I rest, I melted down. I don't want to EVER feel that vulnerable again! So after consulting a friend, I took a 2 hr walk around Walmart. I felt a little better. For years I have felt like crud and swore to not let myself feel that way again. Today was a Huge wake up call for me. No more full day rest days for me. I know now with my depression and others, I need to continue to be active even if it is just a walk, on my rest days.

So my words of advice to any mother, sister, wife, daughter, or anyone else. If you have depression, take a bit of time to work out daily. No matter what it is. a walk, playing with family, or just getting a little bit active. It helps a huge amount! No matter rain or shine, working out makes a world of difference!


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