Feeling and Emotions of a Weightloss journey.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

I know you are expecting me to say how hard it is to eat a low cal diet and such. Not at all! After examining what I eat on a daily basis, I have noticed one key point. I am not eating enough. So by body is in starvation mode. Before I started eating healthier, I was eating lots of bread and lots of harmful junk. Like chips, pizza, burgers, donuts, danishes, ect. None of with are healthy and none of which was helping my body. Now that I am eating right, replaced sugar with agave nectar, and work out daily, I am struggling to even get the daily calories I need. I mean yesterday it took me eating a protein bar to even get close to it and it made me sick. I am still feeling the stomach issues from it. My goal has been to be under 200 lbs by my 27th birthday in July. I have a long way to go. Yet I still am gaining and I still feel like I am going to run to the bathroom and throw up from eating to much. Why? I honestly didn't get how hard it can be to actually get 1200-1500 cals till now. I have never really drank much water. Even when I was in tennis. I was always drinking gator-aid with about 5 bottles of water a day. Still kinda more than I drink now. I know I need to drink more water but this water here makes me puke when I drink it. It is like drinking pool water.

 Today's market makes it even harder for lower to middle class Citizens to even lose weight anymore. It is cheaper to go to McDonald's or Burger King to get you a burger than it is to get a meal at a health food store or subway. When you go to Walmart, it is like they are promoting the chips, and the cakes, and the quick easy meals that are loaded with unhealthy things and the healthy items, are tucked away to the point you really have to look to find it. Yes they have a fresh fruit and veggie department but it is still cheaper to go to McDonald's that is in Walmart than it is to even get a salad or salad fixings. I mean why? You can get a Double cheese burger, fries, and a soda for less than $5 while JUST a salad, is $4-$6. That is not counting anything to drink with it. Then you are spending near $10 just to get a balanced meal. Now tell me, honestly, if you were a low income family who had to budget EVERYTHING, what would you choose? A burger meal remade and ready to go for $5 or a salad and a bottle water with an orange for $10. The food industries want us all to be fat. Don't you think with Obama Making this health care Bill, don't you think it would be a whole lot more cost officiant to help make healthy food and gym memberships more affordable to people that way they won't need that much of a health bill?

 I admit, I am in the lower class and I can't go to walmart and buy a healthy meal plan to last a week without spending $100-$200. It is crazy. Yet I can walk out with a buggy FULL of things that will keep me fat and sick to last a month for cheaper. Am I the only one who see the problem in this? Oh and don't get me started on the gym memberships, and the healthy drinks, and the vitamins which would break anyone's pocketbook. People wonder why I don't take a multivitamin. I was till I had to switch to the generic version due to the cost raising. Now, I throw up EVERY TIME I take it. I have tried taking it before I eat, while I eat, and after I eat. Nothing helps. I can't afford to go out and buy the fish oil, and the probiotics, and the vitamin's and Chi seeds and the aloe, ect. All of which would cost you at least $100 a month to have. Now tell me, for someone who lives month by month and struggles to pay bills and keep clothes on the backs of their kids and family, who has only 1 car as their transportation or even none at all, that have to walk to get to the store or the food bank or such, is it really helping people by offering medical while basically forcing the unhealthy foods down their throat of people who can't afford to get healthy or would you think it would be in the best interest of the public to offer low cost or even free ways to eat healthy and get fit. Like a gym that is designed for those under a certain income bracket. Of course they won't. As is a lot of us lower class are looked down upon and told how we need to suck it up and work more while as is we are working our fingers to the bone on little pay while some don't even have to really lift a finger and get high triple digit incomes.  I know I will get bashed about this post but if you stop and think about it, I mean really think about it, It is only logic.

 I was about to really lose hope, I was working out and determined to lose weight and trying to ignore all the laughing and the "I am better than you" I have been getting when I have started. That was till I stumbled across a website and then a Facebook page. It seemed that all this weight and stress was lifted a bit off of my shoulders after only 3 e-mails from Laura, one of the ladies who run the site. She gave me encouragement, told me I was doing a good job and made me feel like I was actually worth something again. I found myself last night pushing through the pain and burn of a workout which before I would have given up. I find myself pushing harder, doing more, and focused on eating right. Then she gave my name and email along with my story to a few of her "ambassadors" of the site. Never before have I EVER had this much support in anything I do.  I have had one girl named Stephani help me before when I was about to completely call it all quits. Who talked me out of doingg something I would regret but it still felt like due to my financial situations, I was hitting an unclimbable brick wall at every turn. I was running through this endless Labyrinth. Like the childhood movie with David Bowie about the Labyrinth and the Goblin King. Except, I couldn't even make it out of the first ring. Thanks to the awesome ladies at www.girlsgonesporty.com , I am finding myself pushing more and feeling more alive when I would normally be hiding under the covers crying.

 I have been use to people looking at me and calling me a whale, and disgusting, and worthless. All they would see was this 260 lbs size 26-28 woman with a 3 kids at her side and judge me without ever even knowing me. They would never stop to say hi. Or to even try to get to know me.  They just saw how I looked and thought they knew everything. They didn't know about any of the abuse I encountered when I was growing up. None of the abuse and pain I had been going through. No, they only saw me on the outside. For someone who had grown up feeling that I was useless and worthless and experiences that people can only have nightmares about or see in some horror film. Who was pushing through the pain and trying to hold my head up and smile. No one knew and those who really did, didn't care. To add to even more stress, me and 2 of my kids have been sick with the flu for nearly 2 weeks. Some days it was so bad, I couldn't even pull myself out of bed. Me and the 2 would curl up in my bed and rest. When I would get out of bed, everything hurt. From walking on the floor, to even going to the restroom made me hurt. SO I wasn't able to clean my house. Now that I am getting better, my house is trashed. The kids bedding was a mess, clothes piled everywhere dirty, sink full of dishes, ect. So now not only am I working out but I am also cleaning my whole house by myself and taking care of my 3 kids. Yeah I know I am like in super mom mode!

   Now, I am determined to make sure my children don't ever go through anything I have had to experience and for them to grow up knowing how it feels to not have a care in the world and to be happy and healthy. Even though with income, it does make it hard, BUT, I will keep my head high and I will lose 130 lbs and be healthy. I will not let the past determine my future and hold me in one place. It is time for me to get off my rear and face all this fat head on kicking and punching it all away to a healthy me and for my children, a healthy life.


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